Things that hurt more than it should… #209

It’s been quite a while since I posted anything on my personal life  except from the year review of 2019.

Today I felt like writing again about how my day went.
Today is 29th April, 2020. Saturday.
I woke up in midnight from an uncomfortable feeling lingering from the dream that I had. I have this dream very often.

It’s like something that’s stressing me out emotionally. An uncomprehenda ble frustration of not being to express that. And there’s something that my mom could do to make that better or at least could be more sympathetic to me. But she acts the complete opposite way making things even worse for me… The dream always ends with me bursting into tears or trying to explain my pain but very poorly.

I never understood why I have this dream over and over again. In the recent few years I have been physically and emotionally distant from my mom. Physically because of work and emotionally because she doesn’t gets me at all these days. I want to share more with her but her not being able to receive that without making me uncomfortable has been pushing me away. I feel frustrated that I can not talk to her about the problems of my life… That I find it really difficult to make myself happy/focused/motivated.

I was rolling on the bed for an hour, it was still dark outside. I fell asleep again. Next time when I opened my eyes, it was morning already.

I slept through the second alarm and finally woke up by 8. I brushed my teeth, had 2 pieces of bread. I tried whole wheat bread for the first time- not sure how much “healthy” it is but it tasted like trash.

I quickly took out the vegetables from the fridge and chopped and washed them and went to ground floor common hall for cooking. In my PG (dorm) that’s the only time the cooking place is free. I fried some cauliflower and made myself moong daal (lentil). The spice was burnt but I used it anyway.

By 11 AM my cooking and cleaning was done. I was hungry again but couldn’t force myself to pick the whole wheat bread again. Rather I had a pack of Oreos. Then I did the laundry and folded the dried clothes and put them into the cupboard.

Then I watched YouTube till 2 PM and had lunch. I took a shower and came back to bed. Bed is the only place to sit or do work in this room. I was feeling sleepy but couldn’t sleep.

I kept the foods in the fridge expect the ones I would have for dinner. I continued watching vids again.

Sunset and evening prayer call in the nearby mosque happens almost at the same time. I was constantly looking on my phone to order some food but I wasn’t hungry. Also I cannot keep on spending money like this… I barely have any savings, all my earning goes in this pg, flying to and fro my home town and occasionally buying myself a nice thing.

My mom called me in the evening and pointed out my face looking dull. Little does she know, my life has been dull. All these days, weeks and months …

I forced myself to eat the food that I made. I love eating food and probably making it too. But having the number of obstacles and the kitchen experience in this pg, I cannot really explore anything rather I do “survival cooking”. That’s why the food mostly doesn’t taste that great.

By the time I had dinner, the lentil went bad. I had to put it in the fridge but being the absolute genius that I am, I decided to keep it outside all day long. So I had only some cauliflower to eat… Later in the night my only clutch clip broke apart… That’s probably the shittiest thing that happened to me today.

I have to struggle for few weeks now until I get a perfect clutch clip again.

Post Author: Molten Cookie Dough

A typical Pisces person.

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