The 1st month of 2020 is already gone! Nevertheless I wanted to sit back and retrospect the last year and share with you all.
The year started ordinary, going to the office and then I insisted on having lunch outside. 2 of my seniors-cum-colleagues cum friends accompanied me to a nearby restaurant and one of our managers came along.
I do not remember about what I ate, cause it was nothing epic. I took a pic just to have a memory of the first day of the year. NOTHING happened in January that I remember!
February had nothing special except my birthday. I was planning to visit home at that time. However my plan changed for some other reason. Turning 25 wasn’t the best feeling so I had to spice it up with other things. As per the situation, I knew that my sister was going to move away from Hyderabad in the following month. I didn’t know if we would be together on my next b’days. This thoughts make me depressed even today. I got myself a cute dress and booked a table for 2, in a good restaurant. I was little bit upset with my sister as she didn’t show any proactive-ness in booking the restaurant or doing anything. However she did surprise me with an ice cream cake from Ibacco , one of my favorites. I always wanted to try ice cream cake and I knew it wasn’t practical to buy a complete cake for us 2 but my sister did it for me!
Later it was quite a challenge to finish the cake within 7 days before visiting hometown.
The restaurant was an acoustic bar, they had pretty good live music. I had 2 cocktails ’cause my sister didn’t like the taste of her drink. I really wanted to dance to the music but my company didn’t allow me to do so. I was hopelessly looking at my sister who was not even moving a bit. I’m a music lover and music works on me almost like alcohol. I wasn’t drunk but I was in a different world. A world without sorrows of the real world. By 10:30 my sister dragged me out of the restaurant and we headed towards home. My head was spinning a little bit but I had full control of myself.
I visited home in March. This was the time my sister moved back to our hometown from Hyderabad. So I went home with her but I was to return alone. For almost 3 years we lived together in this unknown city, our bonding grew stronger, our old fights seemed unnecessary. My heart was heavy and I couldn’t share the weight with anyone in my family or friends.
I don’t remember much about the stay at home except the sad depressing thoughts of returning Hyderabad alone… Also it was my first time traveling alone!
After returning, there was a change in my office environment. I was officially moved to the team I asked my manager long back. The team lead of my team had already become a good friend of mine and I worked so hard in my old team and now I had to start all over again.
My room of 2 sharing had a vacant bed. So was my heart. Everyday I used to come to my room, stare at the empty bed and remember my sister. I have been lonely and alone for such a long time that I find it hard to socialize with people.
When there was this inevitable emptiness in my life, I tried my best to fill it in with other activities. I remember loving the pool so much yet be terrified of drowning while we went to a resort with my colleagues. I wanted to learn swimming at the earliest to get rid of that fear. I enrolled for a 30 days course. First 2-3 days were okay, when the trainer asked me to blow bubbles under water I faced the biggest discomfort of my life. I couldn’t hold myself even for 5 secs under the water. I was petrified. My trainer got scared as well, so he asked me to continue with the other activities for few more days. But even after 10 days I wasn’t in better condition, the swimming coach wasn’t bothered about me learning survival swimming. He could at least teach a trick or 2 that do not need breathing under water but it did not happen.
I felt so defeated when I stopped going to the swimming class, I feel like a loser till date for this. I was facing a very uncomfortable situation and I didn’t have enough mental strength to win that over. I so badly felt the need of a motivator which could have been my mom or someone close to me. Unfortunately my mom is none of a motivator, even if she cares a lot for me, she doesn’t encourage me much or anything. If I had had a little bit of push, probably I wouldn’t have returned empty handed.
I was to attend my colleague’s marriage near Vizag. It was unbelievable for me since I never traveled to any place in India, that too with my colleagues and by train. There were so many things that were happening for the first time and I didn’t have time to comprehend!
Till the last moment I was skeptical about the trip as there I was the only bachelor girl in the group and it was a long train journey. However my seniors assured my safety and comfort through out the travel. Guys in the group carried my big luggage without even having asked. We had an epic travel experience, I experienced the sea for the first time, so did I see the hills. The valley of Araku in the moon light looked nothing less than paradise. The breeze was carrying all my worries away. Attending the wedding was fun, specially getting ready in a new dress in every 2 hours for a different function. My colleague’s wife who shared room with me was so nice to help me with the saree. Voluntarily she straightened my hair for the evening look! We bought matching Bangles just on that day to step up our look. It was such an amazing experience.
Nothing much happened in this time, a new girl came in my room for a month. A junior in her 3rd year of B. tech. She didn’t talk to me ever, she had a friend living in the next room who had a magnificent height and huge figure. That girl used to have small talk with me and shower in my room. I never understood why she couldn’t have shower in her own room that she was paying for!
I got a mail from my manager for onsite. It was a huge thing for me. When I told my mom, her response was underwhelming. She was more worried than happy for me. That is what bothers me. My family can never resonate with what makes me happy.
With respect to work there wasn’t much change except I was preparing for a two weeks trip to my client location. My visit to home was planned for Dusshera/ Navaratri/ Durga Puja which happened to be at the same time. My tickets for home were booked already and it cost me a fortune because of festive season. I got my Visa for Ireland. I do not understand paper work and formalities but it went smoothly in God’s grace.
I took 2 weeks leave to visit my home. This was first time in my life taking this long leave, also this was first time for me to attend Durga Puja after I stated working. Durga Puja is the biggest festival for us and we are quite sentimental about it. While I enjoy my longest stay at home in recent few years, I was quite anxious about my upcoming trip. My tickets were finalized the day before I left home.
After coming back to office, it was time for me to travel to Ireland. I had packed my bags before, as usual my mom sent me a list of things but it didn’t look like the best one. I don’t know how she lost her best abilities and presence of mind. That is why I do not bother her anymore with such things. I made a very elaborated list for myself with distinct categories.
I visited Ireland and boy oh boy, it was cold! Stepping on foreign land wasn’t nerve wracking at all, I was mostly chilled except my work load pinned me down to the ground. I had a couple of mental breakdowns which I didn’t share with anyone.
I always want to give the best to my work and I felt so underappreciated and overwhelmed those days.
People of Ireland were kind, I got very good flatmates who used to cook me food every day… I used to do the dishes and clean the kitchen. God wasn’t cruel to me in that.
I returned from Ireland. My body got huge relief after my flight landed in Hyderabad. I slept 9 hours straight after reaching home and having some food. I joined office with so much grudge against my management.
The last month wasn’t the most exciting. I got to know that the management isn’t much happy with my work. Also, I am constantly feeling the urge to get out of the monotony of my life. I am just a girl in her mid 20s yet clueless about her job, career, passion and purpose for life. Also I feel extremely lonely and depressed. There are days I considered taking therapy but I didn’t know how or whom to seek help from.
My Final Thoughts on 2019 :
The year 2019 was overall a year of blessings, it taught me important lessons. I can say that I have survived those melt downs and come back stronger than before. I wish I had the support of my family as I needed it. They aren’t necessarily opposing me in anything but yet they aren’t motivating me to do anything either. It’s not their fault, it might be just my personal problem that I don’t know how to deal with yet. Also my parents increasing concern of marrying me off overwhelms me. They no more can see how much messed up my life is, how much I need them to be by my side… Their worry about their responsibility is pushing me away from them which makes me sad more than anything.
So that’s it from me today! Have a good day! 🙂
My other posts-