I am writing this at my home. By the time you will read this I will be in Hyderabad once again.
I came home after 7 months… I don’t visit home very often. Even though I am incredibly happy to meet my family, there’s a sadness and anxiety building up inside me.
This is the last time that I travelled from Hyderabad with my sister, while returning I will be alone, all by myself. All of my peers came to Hyderabad by themselves. I was exceptionally lucky to have my sister alongside me. She came to Hyderabad a couple of months later. It took a while to get a common room but when we got it, life couldn’t have been better.
Sissy was working those days, her job was a stressful one. Sissy didn’t get proper sleep at night. She was always so worried about it.
Some fateful day, she decided to quit her job and try looking for a new job. It was a difficult decision indeed but sissy had the faith that she would certainly get a job there… She was trying for a decent paying job but in case she didn’t she planned to join one of those companys where pay-scale wasn’t the greatest.
In the meantime she started writing several exams for banks and other sectors.
I have never seen somebody so patient and grinding this hard… there was no other way. She had to find a decent job before tying the knot with anyone. I understood her situation but I could not help her much. Sometimes I used to get frustrated, irritated with her… she is overly sesitive person. You cannot wind up a conversation with her without hurting her feelings. I was always so careful- I didn’t want add up to the struggle and pain she was going through. But at the end of the day, there were other things as well, which bothered me. There was nobody to share those thoughts with… I had my personal frustration regarding my career, regarding my personal life… Sissy was always suffering… I couldn’t share my load with her. I have tried sharing my pain with her, she just doesn’t get it… It’s fine, she doesn’t have to.
Gradually I felt a sort of hatred or rather I should say “distaste” growing in me for sissy. She used to get upset very easily, everything I did was hurting her someway or the other. The way she cried used to make me feel guilty and disgusted at the same time…
“Why does she have to play the victime all the time? I am her sister, not her enemy… No person in the world can make her happy. I am trying too hard not to burden her with my own problems whereas she thinks that I am willingly hurting her…”
She never used a bad word against me but there was always this expression of “not being treated well” in her.
I questioned myself, what is this hatred for… Sissy doesn’t hate me, even though she is always upset with my behavior and attitude towards her. She doesn’t necessarily distinguish me as one of the few well-wishers she has. But she doesn’t hate me. As I dig deeper into my feelings, I understood that the hatred was never towards her… It was not even hatred, it was my frustration of being unable to do anything for her. On several occassion I feel that her approach towards life is not correct, sometimes I can see the reasons for her suffering… but I cannot convince her to change the way.
Perhaps she could do a lot better even with the way she is but luck isn’t in her favor. I wouldn’t judge her for that. It’s her difficult time. Even if I can’t change her destiny I would always support and love her. My lonely days would be lonelier now without her. I know how much I would miss her while I would go back to Hyderabad alone… but change is only constant.