Artwork by Reshma Khatun
Today, I was thinking about my last year project. After one hour of random thoughts on life this cringe worthy memory showed up and I decided to share my experience with you all.
This was about when I was in second year of college. I was single, lonely and desperate. I have been single for all of my life but I was never so much desperate to get into a relationship. It’s hard to make friends when you’re introvert and socially awkward. I had like 2 friends at that time and guess what? They abandoned me for their boyfriends! I always felt left out and sad. I concluded that I needed someone by my side too, more specifically an effing boyfriend who would give me the attention and love my heart was longing for. Daemon, a friend of my friend and my classmate, was also going through some phase. He was freshly single and was playing around. There were just me and him, rest other people in the group were in relationship. Still it was not necessary to date him! I caught feelings for him. Honestly, it was my loneliness I wanted to get rid of. Nothing else. It was same for Daemon too. He was a lonely and thirsty guy. Although he was seeing a lot girls but it wasn’t working out.
After I realized that I was getting attached to him, I denied it. I tried to run away from it. I asked my friend’s help to get over with it. But it was too late. He already got some hints of what was going on. He straight forward asked me and I couldn’t lie to him. After one year of hanging in the middle of friendship and flirtationship finally he proposed me in the worst way possible. It was yes for me already.
It wasn’t more than 6 months after that when I realized what the real eff our relationship was. Even though it all started because of me feeling lonely, I stayed honest to our relationship. I loved him no less. But that doesn’t stop him seeing other girls. He lost interest in me but didn’t say it out loud. His actions were loud enough for that. I too broke up with him in the worst way possible in text message. He was fine with my decision, he didn’t try to convince me otherwise. Occasionally he tried to make my life difficult, he made me understand how useless I was.
We broke up just a month before writing our final exam. He requested me not to tell anyone about it till the exam was over. I said ok to him. But I don’t care about a promise to a guy who cheated on me. Even though I was the person to break up, it wasn’t over for me. I was hoping against hope that he would come back and that hurt even more. I was emotionally devastated, I felt like a loser. I needed to get this out of my chest. Within one week of our breakup I met our mutual friend Jess and told her everything. Jess wasn’t the most trustworthy person to share this but she was clever enough to shut her mouth at least in front of Daemon.
Daemon and Jess were in the final year project group with me. Daemon took every suggestion of mine as challenge creating a lot of cold war in the group. I was praying hard to get done with the project. Jess and I had to go to Daemon’s house for the project works. I hadn’t been there before and I knew that his mom was aware of our breakup.
It was not hard to tell that Daemon looks exactly like aunty. She opened the door and talked to us for a while. Then we headed towards to the bedroom for the actual business. Don’t get me wrong. Daemon had his pc in his parent’s bedroom. I wouldn’t judge him for that. He used to sleep with his parents in summer as they had only one A.C. and his parents felt bad about him sleeping inside a furnace while they would sleep in comfort. After all who am I to judge anyone?
Daemon took Jess and me to the terrace, it was afternoon time. The sky was covered with clouds and it was windy. Daemon was eagerly showing me his neighbourhoods. He used to talk to me about his neighbours, how he hated the kids in the next door but there was no way to ignore them, how he had to hide his boner when he saw some aunty in the local grocery store, in which building that aunty lived, the uncle who would never mind to give free advice etc. I had heard about them all, just never saw it before.
After a while Jess’s boyfriend joined us. He was also in the group. We three sat on the bed while Daemon sat in front of his pc explaining the codes. His parents were least bothered about us and they kept the door closed. Aunty just showed up once with lot spaghetti and snacks. We took the plates and she disappeared once again. Daemon started bragging about the restaurant from where the food was bought. Then we continued with our work again.
It started raining heavily about the time when our work was almost done. Power went off. We had to take a break. It was all dark, I stood beside the window to enjoy the splash of rain. Suddenly Daemon poked in my waist and started a random converstaion. I am not proud of the thoughts that were going on in my mind at that time but fortunately I controlled myself. His parents arranged some candles in the mean while. It was pouring so heavily we had to wait at his home even after our work was done and they started using the power backups.
We talked to his dad for some time. I was critical and self conscious. I observed his parents very closely. They might have raised a guy like him but they treated us well. His parents are not to be held complete guilty of what their son has become. It would have been more awkward if Jess wasn’t there. Jess had met his parents before so they were talking to her. I didn’t have a talk with his parents in particular. Even though aunty knew about me, she didn’t show any sign of it.
I must say that I’m grateful to God for showing me the way out of this toxic relationship and find myself again, redefine my existence. The day could have gone worse but I would say it wasn’t that bad. My experience would have been different if it was me meeting the parents of the guy I was going to marry/ dating at that time.