Expectation, mothering disappointment since beginning of time. No matter how hard I try to keep myself unaffected from expectations, I end up in negative situations rooting from expectations. The incident I’m gonna write about is just beginning of my bad mood today and the circumstances kept adding fuel to that fire.
Today, we had planned sports activities at my workplace. That doesn’t happen very often. As usual, they would play cricket and badminton. My skill in both of the games is negligible. It’s not that I don’t wanna take part but the time I would take to perform decently would make everybody impatient. It’s not my home or a place where I have plenty of time to get myself comfortable. Instead of joining cricket or badminton I opted for basketball.
I haven’t played basketball before. We have a basketball court too where guys and girls play in the afternoon time. It seemed to be enticing to me always. Today finally I had time and opportunity to play basketball. As all my colleagues went for either cricket or badminton, I went alone for it, having a strong will in mind.
There are 3 consecutive courts- one for tennis, one for basketball and one where people were playing volleyball. By the time when I reached there, all the 3 courts were occupied with a group of people. It wasn’t like an usual day when merely 2-3 people were playing. My main target was the basketball court, where 2-3 guys were playing. Others were sitting under shade, watching the games and talking.
They were not playing a serious game, so maybe after some time I can ask for the ball. I thought. I was right, after a few moments one guy threw the ball away and joined his friends in tennis. For first few seconds, I saw the others if they were going to pick it up and play again. When nobody seemed to care I walked to the other corner of the court to get the ball. As I returned half my way back, the guy who was playing before came to ask me if I was playing.
Actually I don’t know how to play but I really want to. Can I have the ball for some time? But “No…” only came out of my mouth. I went to the shades again wondering how stupid I was. Those 2-3 guys played for another 15 minutes and then they called 2 of the girls sitting under the shade, chitchatting. They too had never played before. One of the guys was explaining to them. After some time, those 2 girls joined the guys and they were given most of the chances to try their hands out.
They were complete strangers to me. I wanted to join them so badly but felt nervous and shy. My self confidence was at its lowest level. I know how people react to others playing poorly. Specially when a guy/girl has become quite good at the game but not getting chance to play because an unskilled person is occupying the place for trying things out for the first time. Even in college, in the refreshment rooms, the table tennis places were always crowded. After waiting for long, my friends used to get their turns, that too not for long. In that case it was most likely for them not to leave the place to the ones who could hardly play. Today also, it was no exception. But those guys were guiding the 2 girls each time they were missing the net. I wish I could mix with people as easily as others do. I wish I could care less about how people would judge me for the things I’m not good at.
I felt like a piece of shit hoping for people to serve me with opportunities. And obviously, that never happens.