Dear Diary… #54

There are a couple of things I wanted to write about but considering the current situation I assume they can wait a little bit. So I’m gonna write about the little things that are messing with my peace of mind right now.

Being matured but desperate single

Well, I have no shame in admitting the truth! Although most of the time I do fine as a single but at times it is a little difficult. I had very few friends in childhood and as I grew older the count became lesser and lesser. Even if with the advent of Facebook and similar platforms like that I managed to have some acquaintances but that doesn’t change the reality. It’s been quite a while I have graduated from college. It took a long time to accept the fact that I had(I’m afraid that I still have) poor choice of people.

After a long time, I went for a hangout with my friends. My friend Roma introduced me to one of her old friends Srinath whom I’ve never met before. Now comes my excuse for being “desperate”. (Background: The bunch of people I referred to as friends here, are actually part of a squad for more than 3 years. I came across them a couple of months ago. All of them are very friendly with me, occasionally they include me in their hangouts too. But I’m not sure if they consider me as a new member to their group or just an outsider! I’m calling them my friends because they truly are but not calling their squad as my squad. )

Coming back to Srinath again! He’s very calm and polite. I had a small chat with him that didn’t reveal any of our common interests or anything. But I don’t why after coming back from the outing I kept on thinking about him. There’s something so fascinating about him that makes me want to meet him again and have a talk. Maybe a talk about random stuffs. Honestly, I’m not looking for anything more than that now. We have each other’s numbers but I don’t wanna start a conversation ending up as a desperate loner to him. I just want to know him as I know Roma, Piyush or any other person of that group. This feelings is kind of weird!

[Edit in 2023: I did get a chance to know Srinath a little better. Even though there were not many one-to-one conversation, we hung out in group- went to movies, house parties, restaurants with our common friends. Srinath is one of the nicest people I have come across in my life. Now he’s married to a beautiful and talented girl chosen by his parents. I was invited to the wedding too!
I couldn’t make it to his wedding as it was in a different state and quite far from my home(requiring a flight, a cab ride and then another train ride). I watched the livestream of his wedding and wish them well!

As far as I am concerned, I am currently single… I don’t feel the desperate need to be in a relationship anymore. I must say, I have leveled up in the department of meeting new people, talking about my hopes and desires, expectations. Finding the right is not always a walk in the park, but after all the things that I have been through, I know I will be alright- with or without a partner.
So, just trusting in God’s plan and keeping an open mind to possibilities!]

Dreams: To work on dreams or go with the flow?

This is also something that happened this week. Jay K. , Roma and I were having a casual conversation when suddenly Jay K. asked me about my dream. He also indicated that it could anything achievable or unachievable. Though I didn’t feel like sharing my dreams with him, I put it in a much generalized way. Anyway, I made the point clear why I’m unable to make it happen. Jay K didn’t seem to buy my words, rather he totally underestimated and misinterpreted whatever I said. He told, ” Why are you calling it as your dream when it’s not even anything big? You can easily do that! “

I kind of felt bad about it. My dream is not just a single thing or a bucket list, it’s a lifestyle I long for, it’s a future I wish for my family. I don’t think I am that much hardworking, focused, talented and blessed person to make my dream come true. It’s like a package of perfect job, success in career, time for cherishing my hobbies, pursuing my passions, seeing my family healthy and happy, travelling, meeting new people, coming out of my bubble and leaving my fears and insecurities behind and so on. I wish I could dedicate my 100 per cent in realizing what my heart really wants.

Thanks for stopping by. Here’s my next blog.🙂🤗